Weekend

Sep. 18th, 2017 12:32 am
purple_crocus: (reading)
I've had a really nice, if full, weekend! Party on Friday night at Doug's, he had a housewarming. Then looking at new laptops on Saturday (and not finding any :( ) and then driving chairs to Jules for a Gatsby themed party (wine and chat and Norwegian waffles!) and then today I have been resting. Reading, listening to podcasts, and sleeping lots. It has been needed!

Now I'm just behind in other things like laundry and piles of things that need sorting out :(

I'm reading Red Rising now by Pierce Brown and really really liking it! I'm on the second book of the series already.

I have my first exam on Wednesday, so got some studying to do this week and then it's already Rosh Hashana and then instead of studying, we've got our practical part of the course which is all the way out in Buch! That means apart from dinner and sleeping, I'll have no time at home for a month or so. Just have to get through it....
purple_crocus: (cookies)
Is LJ down? I can't seem to access it, but I don't know if it's because it's down or because my laptop is getting too old and therefore chrome doesn't always work any more or whatever.

So, I started my course. I have now done two weeks of it and I'm going to bloody continue but....it is hard. So hard. But also quite good. But hard anyway. The material, the new routine, the new people, the tasks I have to do, everything all at once! I spent the whole first week having a basically constant panic attack. Luckily small ones where I didn't have to vomit, but still horrendous.

We did a lot of admin at the beginning and application coaching for the internship part of the programme and our course leader was quite brusque about it all. He also mentioned that we wouldn't be doing certain parts of the programme because "he found it boring", which I found quite fishy. Then he left on the third day of the programme because he was heading off to get married. However everyone else has been really nice! The professor is really lovely and understanding and she had a baby 4 months ago so she also has a stand in, who is also lovely! My course mates are all from outside Berlin and have various different reasons for attending but they're also all lovely people.

We have been doing a lot of basics in Biology again but faster and with more of a lab based approach, which I find really good. I have been taking copious notes and filling in lots of notebooks. I am not afraid to ask questions out loud and I am quite enjoying actually learning again! We have also been going over computer programs such as excel and gimp and powerpoint which has been useful.

However it all moves really really fast and I feel like I am barely keeping up. As well as all the lessons, we also have to produce and give a presentation on a topic (mine is whole mount in situ hybridisation) in powerpoint, make a short list of places we would like to do an internship at, and get all our application papers in order and uploaded. It is exhausting. And I can't find half the papers I need :(

Anyway, bedtime again as I have to wake up at 6 :(
purple_crocus: (cold)
So I did all the getting ready and driving to Artlake Festival and when I got there they were having problems setting everything up because the pavilion we had been given was not complete. I couldn't do much and we were on the beach in the direct sun. I left shortly after to pick up Elena from Finsterwalde and go to a Bauhaus to get something for the pavilion. When we got back they had made a much smaller pavilion than expected with duct tape and were putting the tents together. I helped a bit putting tents up until I felt overwhelmed, went to sit in the car for a second, and then felt the panic fire rise in me and had another full blown panic attack. I sat there crying and people came to help and all I wanted was just to go home but I knew it was the panic talking. I sat there while people talked around me and calmed down but the muscle spasms didn't really go away. Eventually it got dark and I was ok again enough to go down to the tents and pavilion which were lit up with candles and lanterns and we sat all together and ate and talked and it was really super nice :)

Eventually we got ourselves ready for bed by bringing our dinner stuff out to the backstage area and washing up and using the dixie loos. It was so so so muddy back there and about a 10 minute walk and puddles everywhere, and of course I had not brought my wellies... Eventually I managed to climb into one of the tents we had set up which was unfortunately on an incline where someone was already sleeping and had a very uncomfortable nights sleep clinging onto a double air mattress with three people on it and the other workers on other projects playing techno super loud by listening to my audiobook of Lords and Ladies by Terry Pratchett.

Woke up around 8 because of the heat and the sun and the noise and felt panicky but spent 5 mins trying to meditate and calm down before it all flared up again. I started uncontrollably crying and vomiting and everyone was so bloody nice there! My performance people understood and told me to go home and some girl from The High Carpet place rubbed my back while I vomited and told me about the tree I was vomiting on in the pauses and how the leaf shape makes it wildly shake from side to side in the slightest breeze and that's why its her favourite tree. She also let me pet her dog while I waited for Laura to come back to drive me to the station. I bought a ticket and then we went and got a hot drink in the town centre while waiting for my next train to come. Panic attacks continued in the train but no more vomiting or crying, just muscle spasms. Got home, hugged my family and threw myself into the bath for three hours to soak and get clean and eat my chicken strips I had bought the day before. I felt much better after that and actually fell asleep in front of the TV later on. Because it's airy and cool and clean inside. Maybe it was the camping, maybe it was everything else. But I couldn't perform in that state. I'm so glad I went home. But I feel so shit that it didn't work out :(
purple_crocus: (flowersky)
I actually wanted to find time to update and decompress and write about my holiday but I'm off in less than an hour to the Artlake Festival (http://artlake-festival.de/) to perform in our immersive theatre piece again in the confines of the festival. I am nervous and excited but it should be good fun. Had to make another skirt yesterday for my costume because I couldn't find my old one (made it out of a twin bedsheet and hot glue because fuck sewing) and it looks very high priestessy so that's good. Got all my props together last night and took off all my nail polish and now just have to shower and get all the things ready and get the car and then we're off! And I shall be a cult member for 30 hours.

See you all later!
purple_crocus: (blah)
So I just came home from the most awesome lovely holiday ever and got into my room and opened my window and boom. Panic attack. And now I feel all weak and disgusting and head is weird so I have unpacked my laptop from the room tidying of doom pile and am sorting out online life and have a mud face mask on and am going to try and keep calm despite being alone in a house for the first time in a month and breeeeeaaathe.

Will update and write about holidays later. Because it deserves writing about because it was fucking awesome!

I'm also actually listening to music on spotify for the first time in actual years because alone. And need the music company.
purple_crocus: (blah)
So.... it's been a while since I posted. Oops. Real life has been quite busy and I've been finishing off my crafting and I've been seeing my friends a lot which has been quite nice :)

Some old school friends came to Berlin too and I spent time doing stuff together with them which was so so lovely but also made me very sad when they left. I kind of miss who I used to be when I was with them last (so when I was still in school), but life seemed so much easier back then! Laura came visiting with her baby from America and then Jenna came with her husband Yalcin and we went to explore our old school and actually managed to get into the building! Took some photos and explored and then explored Zehlendorf and got some food together. Those days I spent with them was all just so NICE! Fantastic people who I miss and live too far away from :(

I've also been interviewing therapists! Perhaps that is why I've not been feeling the urge to post and detox my brain? So I've seen three so far. Two women and one man, and I think I am veering towards choosing the first woman. She seems quite nice, into helping me talk about things and sort out life management tips for coping, and also into trying to analyse dreams. Never done that before, could be cool. Also the office is in a good location on a bus route near me and there is a small park near where I can sit and think after sessions and there are also food places nearby. I'm going to call and make a second appointment soon :)

Last weekend I went off with my friends to Mannheim for an immersive theatre piece.
https://www.nationaltheater-mannheim.de/de/schauspiel/stueck_details.php?SID=2854
It was fantastic. Really really good. I really enjoyed myself and joined in the ceremonies and watched some of their rituals and composed a song and listened to their sect stories of how they believe their world is and watched them try and find new shells for their two missing gods. I have a lot of questions still too and I didn't manage to see everything that I wanted to but it was a very good experience :)

The drive there and back was good too. Out of the four of us only two of us have a driving license and only one of us actually drives regularly. So Laura drove us the 6 hours there in the daytime and then to our Airbnb late in the evening afterwards and then in the morning the next day. Poor love. I took over and did about three hours in the middle after I had rested with some Autobahn tips from Laura from the back. Very helpful! It is a bit scary driving so fast (135kmh at one point!) but I'm glad I did it.

Met friends this week for walks and swimming and dinner which has been real nice too :) Apart from getting eaten alive by mosquitoes in the woods! And packed! Because now I'm off to England for a family event and time with my Grandma and seeing friends and going to the Edinburgh Fringe! It's going to be a pretty fabulous summer :)

I plan to update throughout despite not having a computer with me, or I'll just use a pen and paper diary. We shall see!

Happy right now :) (despite not having finished packing yet! Argh!)

Sleepy

Jun. 26th, 2017 02:19 am
purple_crocus: (no damns)
I basically slept all day today. Still fighting the cold and sniffles and since it was weekend....

Got no reading done though. I have a massive pile of books I should get through but then I've also got my kindle with digital books and my mp3 player and phone both have audiobooks loaded on them...

I started to make a Reading List for books each year on my phone since last year, I got the idea from my old neighbour Eta. But I only count books I read, not audiobooks or fanfic. Last year I only managed 18 - it was a busy year, but I've already managed 28 this year! Part of that was because at my old job I had an hour and a half to sit in the sleeping room with the kids and I read a lot there. But in there I could only read on my phone since it was dark. I much prefer to read on my kindle.

My housemate Laura had a break down today and Bracha and I spent some time talking to her and helping her to delegate things in her life. She's trying to do too much perfectly and is also letting herself in for emotional abuse from her ex-boyfriend. She needs to eat at least one proper meal a day and maybe cut back on stuff apart from uni. And also take sick days when she is sick! It all seems to familiar to me as that is how I was (minus the guilting ex-boyfriend) when I got sick. Trying to do too much and being a perfectionist. Sometimes 80% is good enough. And it's taken me years to learn that. Sometimes I wonder if it's more of a gender thing or a millennial thing.

Tomorrow I need to do some washing, get my room and papers in order, and talk to my mother about summer plans. How did it get to 2am already and why am I tired after sleeping most of the day? Argh. I hate being ill.
purple_crocus: (dandelion)
Went off early and sick to the JobCenter again today and got everything officially approved! Everything is given in, everything is properly signed. Tried to have a talk with her about how I didn't appreciate her self-diagnosing me as "too little human contact", but she just changed the topic. Grrrrr. Then off to the JobLaden where I printed off a bunch of CV's for the Job Messe I'm going to next week and showed them the contract I have for the Weiterbildung. They all seemed super surprised and condescending, probably because they've put me in the box of Office Help and have all told me that science is not for me. Yeah yeah. And I should listen to them why? Now they want to sign me off, but the JobCenter lady wants me to stay there, so I'm going to let them fight over it and keep out. I can always bring a book and a game if needed.

Went home and got dinner on the way (two half chickens for Dad and I) and played the new Pokemon Go while travelling! There is a whole new Gym setup that I don't fully understand, but I'll keep playing and find out. Took over a gym at Nollendorfplatz.

Had a short lie down and feel ill session while I waited for the paracetamol to kick in and then ate dinner with Dad before he went off to his service. I went to the Hillel service at Rykestr and met a nice girl there who turned out to be my neighbour! And we have no much in common too! So now we have each other's contact details and will meet up in the future. Crazy!

Went home earlyish because the paracetamol ran out and slept quite well :)

Dad went off to Bradford today to spend time with his mum and has brought along some white asparagus for them to have together :)

And soon I shall head off and meet Cassy for some wine and hummus and sitting on the balcony in the night air :)
purple_crocus: (cookies)
Today I went to the JobCenter and got an agreement from them to pay for my lab skills course! Yay! I also talked shortly with her about getting my degree "anerkannt" and we decided to wait until after the course was done if I still needed it because I would then have more practical experience I could add. She also told me that she didn't think I was that ill and just needed more human contact. Uh huh. Because someone who has spoken to me for all of 20 mins in two different sessions knows me better than 4 therapists and my friends and family and myself. Suuuuuure. Yeah, because my panic attacks come about as a lack of human contact. Not. Whatever. I'm seeing her tomorrow again to give her my filled in papers. Because we need to do that personally now I guess....

Also went to the place where I will be doing the lab skills course and got them to countersign some paperwork and I think it will be good :)

I caught some sort of lurgy from Bracha and I've been battling a sore throat, snotty nose and headache all day. I would love to just take tomorrow off but it's just not an option. Have to see that JobCenter person again and then head to the JobLaden to get help from the JobCoach who is only there Thursdays and Fridays. Grrrrr. Well I guess it depends on how I'm feeling tomorrow. If I'm too ill, it will have to wait until next week.

DW

Jun. 19th, 2017 05:47 pm
purple_crocus: (Default)
I need more people to follow on here so I have something on my reading list :P Who has friend recommendations? Considering all I do here is moan, maybe only people who don't mind that shit :P
purple_crocus: (Default)
I've been trying to catch up on old entries and therefore not posted any new ones. This is NOT GOOD but that's the way it will be this weekend.

I've generally had a good week. My mind is feeling better right now, but I'm now very aware of how thin the wire is that I'm walking on. I've had a bunch of meetings about MY FUTURE. I've been going to the JobLaden and not been getting much done. But I managed to organise some things for myself.

I had a meeting with the IHK to see if I can get my degree recognised in Germany as a lab professional, not something I'd really tried before as I never thought I would be staying here. This is something that costs but might be worth it, though simply doing a weiterbildung might be much more effective,

So I have an opportunity to do a 5 month weiterbildung course in lab skills (https://www.cq-bildung.de/bildung/biotech-life-sciences/labormethoden-molekularbiologie-zellkultur) which will bring my skills back up to date and also get me a foot back in the door in the industry. This will have to be paid for by the JobCenter so they need to approve this, but I have a meeting on Thursday with my person there so I have hope! I went to see them on Friday and the guy was being ultra pushy and trying to get me to sign up to the other course (Biotechnology instead of Molecular Biology and Cell Cultures) which starts tomorrow but no. I did not like his pushiness. But the course itself sounds really nice and useful! Small class sizes, work in interesting places, a good mixture of theory and praxis, and help getting a good internship too! :)

This coming week I have some important appointments too. I finally have my meeting with the BIPP, hopefully they can help me find a therapist. And Thursday I have that meeting with my JobCenter person.

Bed now.
purple_crocus: (cloud)
Things not so great right now. But tomorrow we go to Tropical Islands for Bracha's pre birthday present and then on Monday we do a boat ride up the Spree and karaoke at Monster Ronson. So good things are planned!

Trying to update this journal where the placeholders were to get toxicity out of my head. Hope it works!

So, finally back. This Job Laden is basically there to try and get people back into work. This is a GOOD THING, but the way they go around it seems incredibly insensitive at times. However, we got advice on photos for your CV (this is a thing in Germany and there are incredibly many rules to go by for this) and also had a photo shooting session where we got new photos made. This is also GOOD.

Since I lost my Kita job and I turned older I've been really thinking where I want to go in life. I want to get back into Biology and have a job where I'm doing some good in the world. So I don't want to work somewhere morally dubious, I don't want to work in another office job where people need my English, and I want to work with nice people in a company of more than 8 people if possible (this is important for employment laws). Also, half or three quarter time because I cannot manage full time on my medication.

We spent a lot of time doing workshops where we went over fake people's profiles and identified their personal strengths and weaknesses, and their working strengths and weaknesses. We also filled in a skills inventory and a wish list for a future employment. And then we haven't gone over any of those things at all. We were "profiled" though and then went over our profile to see if it was correct. I ended having an hour long discussion with my group supervisor about his prejudice about women in head scarves and how he should be ok to hold these prejudices. Grrrrrrr. Anyway, I told him these above things (science job in a lab preferrably) about my job wishes and he hmmmd and haahd and said that because I haven't worked in a lab for a while it would be hard and have I thought of an office job. Argh. I said no thanks and I would work on science jobs. I don't think he likes me very much now. Especially because I called him out on his prejudices. And honestly, someone who works in the public sector should have some damn sensitivity training!

So, I was greeted the next morning by my group supervisor saying he had found a job for me. Yay! Fantastic, tell me more. "It's an office job with your English skills for a firm that sells helmets to babies with deformed heads." Whaaaaat? So this is explicitly against what I said I wanted to do. I was sent for a talk to the main guy of the office and he told me more and then I was talked into sending in my CV to them. I was getting panic feelings throughout my body but managed to control them and talk to the main guy about my limits and why and he basically told me that there's no point trying to get a science job, we're here to get you a job and we'll just get you any job that you can vaguely do and give up on your dreams. Thanks dude. Grrrrr.

I give them my updated CV to send off anyway and the next day I'm not feeling too good. Mini attacks all day. And then I get told I have an interview. And then I have a full blown panic attack. Like vomiting and muscle spasms and sweating and crying and argh. I ran into the bathroom and throw up and a woman who works there comes after me and then I have a complete break down. It was not nice. And highly embarrassing. But mainly really really horrible. I super hate panic attacks. And I'm also not sure if this is my body/mind telling me it can't do that anymore. And I'm also worried that everyone there thinks I'm just playing the panic attack card when I don't want to do something. But mainly I'm just feeling like a victim again to my body/mind and I am sad and I need a damn therapist again because I just cannot anymore.

Next few days I go in anyway and I just feel like shit and I see friends where I can and I have the interview with this morally dubious firm and you know what? They need someone full time anyway to work alone as a PA/secretary mixture person and preferably someone who also speaks polish. So I say thanks but no thanks and I recommend them one of my friends who fits that profile perfectly and this is the best result really. But my mind is still playing silly buggers and I'm finding it hard to find an even keel.

Limmud.

Jun. 2nd, 2017 12:09 am
purple_crocus: (flowersky)
Limmud was good! Now have had a bad few days. Will write more later.

It's unbelievably how so much stress and work and brain power goes to organising a conference of a few days in a beautiful location. But we all managed it, go team!

Bracha and I drove up one day early on Wednesday with Oliver and Toby and Felix in the van and we had a great time! Six hours of conversation and jokes and a bit of sleep and lots of gossip and last minute organisation :) We arrived and unpacked the huge amount of luggage we had brought (cables and a DVD player and materials for the Teens programme for Bracha and my dad's Torah scroll and one suitcase of actual clothes for us to wear and our personal luggage! Unpacked in our lovely bungalow which was the youth leaders house for the time were were there. Had a quick dinner with the Jewish catering team having already moved in and started cooking and then straight to work labelling envelopes for all the guests for registration. And once the envelopes were all labelled they had to be filled with the name cards and the deposit slip and the room assignation. This took about three hours with 6 people helping and then we were actually missing the final lists of who had not paid yet, of who had ordered a mug they were supposed to get, of who was a volunteer and also the key cards weren't ready yet.

Woke up early the next day, showered, had breakfast, didn't have time to put on makeup and then straight back to finishing the envelopes. It took a lot of time but we marked the envelopes with different colours and shapes signifying payment status/mug bought/volunteering, and then started to put the room key cards in the correct envelopes. This took.... forever! However I found it quite important that we do all this prep work since we had volunteers staffing the desk later on in the day and in the previous years we had to consult three separate lists before giving out the damn registrations which led to a lot of confusion and non-payment. People started arriving before we were ready but eventually we were finished before the big Oldenburg bus came and then we were on fire! And the system worked!

At around 4pm I wandered off (I had been there since 9am and had missed lunch, though lunch was just some sandwiches and I had learnt from previous years to bring snacks!) and went to a session and then went back to my room and put on some makeup so I would feel more human and then went out to mingle. It was actually really nice. There were some old Limmudniks who come every year and it was nice to see how people had grown and who had new babies and then play with the babies. There were some new people who had loved Limmud last year and came again but had no real experience of it as an organisation. And then there were some new people but old Limmudniks who had been to a bunch of other Limmuds in other countries but were experiencing the German one for the first time. There weren't that many young people there this year because the main student sponsoring organisation withdrew Limmud from their list of conferences (bastards) which also left us short of funds. As in, we are in a whole bunch of debt right now! But overall there were some good sessions, amazing food, nice people and a beautiful location. Thursday evening was finally a lovely dinner and also the bonfire for the kids and the teens. It was a good evening.

I felt a bit ill on Friday so didn't go to so many sessions and then also joined Bracha and the Teens on a walk to the North Sea. That was really nice and also quite poignant. Two years ago a friend of mine, a true Limmudnik, had been standing at that point. Last year he was diagnosed with cancer shortly before the festival and so didn't come. He died in February. In the services that evening I went to the vaguely hippy sing-song service which is super welcoming and nice and we said Kaddish for him. After that was a super delicious dinner with nice people and then we sat outside and talked for while.

Saturday morning I went to my dad's service and he did a sermon which was actually interesting (:P). He showed a graph of the statistics of the Jewish community in Berlin. Over 50% were over 60. OVER 50%! No wonder the whole place is stagnating and horrible for young people.

I went to a few other nice sessions on Saturday including one about mental health and the stigma in the Jewish community. It was more of a discussion with no clear answer but at the beginning we discussed the funeral rites of suicides. In Orthodoxy, while burial in a Jewish cemetery is allowed, mourning rites should not be observed for those who have taken their own lives. In Liberal and Reform circles, allowances are usually made. It's still a very thorny topic though. Since this session was very explicitly a safe space and it was made very clear to everyone that what was discussed in there should not be discussed openly outside the room, I shared a little of my story and the stigma I felt and the fact that my father was very open with my problems and how that made me sad and angry at first, but now I see that him sharing helped others open up to their own issues and I didn't receive any of the stigma. And then suddenly the whole room turned to me and asked me questions which I was not ok with. The presenter was very good and turned the session back around but I found out later that one of the people in there had actually gone and talked to my dad about this without asking me first. This is not ok. Really not. I'm still quite angry about that.

The rest of the day was lovely though and I spent some time also outside talking to people and getting the full Limmud experience. Then we did Havdalah all together in the Teehaus, led by the Teens, and it was beautiful :) After we sat inside and talked and drank and then we heard the bad news that an old colleague, the parent of two of the kids, had died. I basically spent the rest of the night crying about that and other things to Bracha's Netzer boss which I'm sure was a super smooth move. Ah well.

Sunday we packed up and got everyone else ready and checked out and then we left! We were a full van this time as we took a presenter with us and we had a short stop in Oldenburg and then we raced against the clock so Felix could get his train (with 1 min to spare in Berlin!) and then we were all dropped off and then we were finally home.

Limmud is finally over.
purple_crocus: (cold)
My neighbour who works for the organisation that organised this conference signed me up (with my permission) and I had a really great time. There were a lot of lovely people from all over Europe and some really great sessions. There was also a lot of this professional motivational bullshit which I wanted no part of, but I guess that's the price you pay for going to a young professional networking event. However it was lovely that everyone there was Jewish, it added a level of connectivity that we all had similar backgrounds and values. Or at least I thought we all did. In some of the sessions some proper anti-Islamic attitudes and racism broke out and things got quite intense and in one of the breaks between sessions a woman was telling me she'd just moved to a new city near a mosque and "she was scared to go out in the evenings because that's when they all go out and gang rape." I just don't understand these attitudes! I guess I'm lucky because I grew up in a fairly liberal society and there were people of all religions in my school. I guess I'm just not used to the vitriol caused by ignorance of some people. That saddened me. But apart from those incidents most of the people were lovely and it was an awesome conference. We all went out on Saturday night and did Havdala together in a club and then I went outside with lots of others and just talked for about three hours until the bus went back. There were some really awesome people to talk to! And now I also have about thirty new facebook friends I look forward to slowly losing touch with over the next year :P

It's hard to stay in meaningful touch. What is there really to say to each other after all the excitement has died down?
purple_crocus: (cloud)
Got to keep reminding myself to do this. Especially when stressed out or feeling down or have no energy, gotta keep taking some tablets to stay sane and make sure I wash at least every other day and go outside every other day too and talk to people who aren't my sister and dad. Because it's so damn easy to stay in bed and cry and only look at things online and only talk to people with text and isolate oneself. And just doing simple things like going to the kitchen to eat real food, not just chocolate, and getting dressed and getting out of my room is so fucking hard but so important to do!

So to have friends who understand and ask you to come out and have low key hangs with them or to be invited to their events is so bloody important. Even if I can't always go because I'm too sad or can't be around people or have no spoons left. Because when I do go out and sometimes (spoons permitting) doll myself up and make an effort, I can have a really good time and forget for a moment that things are hard. I can pretend that I'm the old me who was personable and vivacious and lively and had loads of friends and went to loads of things. As long as I don't look into a mirror and see how much weight I've put on because of various pills and being too sedentary. I can still have fun. I can still laugh. I can still enjoy other people's company. That old me is still in there somewhere and I just have to find a way to be kind to myself and integrate the old me into the new me and become a better me.

So talking about going out, I did go to this one event called the Poetry Brothel and it was amazing. My friend Jos helped organise it and was there on the night and I went with my other friend Laura, their partner. And it was super nice! I helped Laura dress up steampunk style while I went more Victorian style. It was an awesome venue filled with different areas where the poets could sit and one could join them. Then there was also the most amazing harpist, a pianist, a naked cellist, a human doll and someone who danced as a black swan and stuck the feathers into her skin. It was very very cool. We paid two poets for their poems (three tokens for a poem, one for a whisper) and I got my tarot cards read and we mused about whether to get out photos taken Victorian style, but ultimately decided against it as it was quite expensive and it was already turning out to be an expensive evening. But it was such a good evening :)

I'm also lucky to have a good neighbour right now who is up for low key chilling quite often. We just went out for dinner together with her cousin who is visiting (pizza, yum!) and I'm just about to go over with some wine and Cards Against Humanity. Her sister should be arriving soon and it should be nice :)

Being kind to myself today :)
purple_crocus: (tree)
So this morning I went to this JobLaden thing which turns out to be a Maßnahme from the JobCenter for getting people back into work. Generally, this is a good thing. However it started out with all sorts of scary talk about how we have to be there at set times for three months and otherwise we get sanctioned, but we were not told about any of these times earlier so we had no time to plan! All I got was a letter out of the blue saying turn up then and then on this day and now I have to be there on Wednesdays, Thursdays and Fridays from morning until late. No consideration if you have other things going on in your life and you can't change days. And also no warning. That pisses me off. They said that we would do some training and CV improvements and interview practising, all good stuff, but most of the time we would be sitting at computers they have there and doing applications. Stuff I was doing at home already! I have to "stay in my group" apparently, even though out of all 12 of them, only one seems to actually be nice and wants to get back into work. So we shall see... got to be there tomorrow again with my Lebenslauf and then we're going to do "profiling".... sounds ominous.

Also this totally interferes with all the Limmud stuff I need to plan right now and travelling to England in summer for Zach's Bar-Mitzvah and argh! Just hope I find a job soon.... or have a starting date for one Mid-August, or the opportunity to take some time off to spend with my Grandma and go to Edinburgh.

I got back, talked to Bracha for a bit and then did some random shopping for things like folding boxes, and then got home. Then fell asleep for about three hours, oops! Joined Bracha for her Limmud Teens Madrichim meeting and then talked to the people a bit and now writing this and then to bed. Because tomorrow is more JobLaden. Argh.

I wish my brain would stop me being sad and apathetic all the time. Meds currently not really helping apart from stopping me doing worse. So that's good.
purple_crocus: (blah)
I've been spending most of today trying to tidy up my desk (after 4 months of just throwing shit on it) and sorting through new post and also dealing with Limmud crises.

Turns out that tomorrow I'm being sent to a place called JobLaden where I have no idea what will happen, maybe help with applications? However I can't really bring my laptop places so that will be very not helpful. We shall see...

I also finally got my internet banking working again (I needed a new password sent by post from my bank to authorise an app on my phone which sends me TAN's... grrr) and finally paid off my credit card (hurrah!)

Limmud issues keep arising and even though I am the midpoint communicator between the kids programme and the team, I don't actually have any information. I was given no info from the team about how to answer these questions so basically every time I get a question I have to forward it to the team and then wait for an answer. I feel a bit useless at this job.

Now I really need to keep going with my desk and make some food and eat it and help Bracha with her Limmud issues and then eventually have a shower. Days are not amazing. But stuff is finally getting done which is good.

Stayed up late last night because I was reading and it was exciting. So now I've finished book 5 of the dresden novels! Next one coming up!

LJ to DW

May. 1st, 2017 02:13 am
purple_crocus: (Default)
Well then, I guess it's time to start changing over as well. Not that I've actually posted anything for the past year or so on LJ (failed resolutions and all), but I do NEED to start writing stuff down so that the thoughts are out of my brain and somewhere else where they can't do so much harm, so why not here? New starts and all. And somewhere relatively private and not all over all my social medias where people will just get worried.

My trusty laptop broke down a few weeks ago and since I also lost my job I didn't have any money to replace it. I also didn't want to. It might be a tad slow but I know how to use it and work my way around it and I've had it since I left uni and bought it with my first paycheck. I went to the computer repair place my sister had used before and they put my harddrive into a new casing of the same model of laptop. Then when the harddrive didn't boot up, they cloned it onto another harddrive and stuck that in and you know what? It all works again! Absolutely everything is still there including all my iphone backups and my chrome bookmarks and every single little setting I've ever changed. Amazing. And all for around 200 Euro! Very grateful to them and very good customer service. The only issue is now that I have a german keyboard which I shall have to get used to. At least now I have all the äöüß's I always had to copy/paste before.

While I didn't have my laptop I had to do loads of Limmud stuff on my sisters laptop without being able to access any of the files and without any of my notes I had already taken. That was a bit of a bummer but I muddled through and now at least all the Madrichim are angemeldet and have sent in all their stuff. So that's one good thing which just took longer because of not having my own stuff to hand. Using someone else's laptop always feels a bit strange.

My head is still in a bad place. Whenever I do have a moment to think and nothing to distract me, I inevitably start thinking of dark and sad things and the people that have died recently. Not a good thing. I was at LSD (Let's start davening, a relaxed and open friday night service once a month) on Friday and my head just started pounding with all the bad things and I started to cry in front of everyone. Not so good really. I really need a new therapist and I really need to find a nice new job to concentrate on. And to give me money. A bit broke right now.

However the one good thing that has happened recently is that I went to Oslo to see some super duper amazing friends and I spent some time muddling around in the city to see things and then more time spending good time with them. A lot of time was spent drinking and eating and watching Netflix, and it was perfect! I wish I could go again soon. Flights are cheap but everything else is hella expensive! (Another reason I am a bit broke right now). Just being there lifted my mood dramatically! And then I came home and expectations and responsibilities resurfaced and urgh. But so nice to get away for a bit :)

So, I guess that's my brain unloaded for now. I'll try and keep it up. It is good for me and I need to be kind to myself.

Goodnight.
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